3D television is a crock of shit. It doesn’t work.

Ok, so some people might be able to be tricked into thinking they are seeing a three dimensional image, but it doesn’t work for everyone.

Us cows grew up when the amazement of wearing one red lens and one blue lens was seen more as comical than amazing, but the wonderment of Magic Eye was taking off. These Magic Eye images were a waste of time, as people spent hours trying to work out the image, when I had to do was take off my glasses and say “Mickey Mouse’s head”.

Here is the first problem with 3D television, the stupid glasses you have to wear, so you can trick your brain. As a cow that wears glasses all the time, putting on an extra pair of glasses to make things out of whack, when my glasses are putting them into whack is useless. While not television, I went and saw Avatar, and it was just three hours of pain, and I’m not even talking about the script. It was just a blurry screen and everything in 2D. Yes, that’s right, despite paying the extra for the daggy goggle, it was still in 2D. So why would I go and pay money for a 3D television to watch blurry 2D images? I may as well drag out the old Rank Arena 10 inch telly and watch that.

The second issue is those creating 3D television haven’t yet grasped the concept of making it. Having shit zoom at the screen is pointless, it doesn’t add to a story line, besides, it’s old hat, the Lumiere brothers proved that years ago with this film:

When first show, this had people running out of the room, thinking a train was coming towards them. Now we don’t bat an eyelid at it.

Yes, 3Dtv, you haven’t got a fan in me. I’ll wait for the fun of 4Dtv, when it really will take me to another dimension.

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Miss Princess Flora Fallon

Miss and a Princess, gee, she must be really important.

Abidjan Cote D’ivoire.
Hi Dearest,

Got to love official correspondence that opens with “Dearest”
With due respect, trust and humanity, (Oh the humanity!) I write to you this proposal which I believe would be of great interest to you.permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you .l must not hesitate to confide in you for this simple and sincere business.

Must not hesitate, well FFS then, get on with it, instead of testing out your online thesaurus.

I am 20 years oldWell, my father died earlier 1 year ago and left me behind. He was a king, which our town citizens titled him over sixteen years before his death.I was a princess to him and I am the only  person who can take care of his wealth now because my  mother is also late in two years ago before the death of my Late father.

I always hate a royal funeral. The seating is a bitch, do you put the USA supporters on the left, or on the right?

He left the sum of USD 7,500, 000.00 dollars (Seven Million, Five Hundred Thousand US
Dollars) in a prime bank in Abidjan.

I decided to google the Prime Bank of Abidjan, got to love a bank that doubles as the Winter Olympics academy ski jump:

This money was annually paid into my late fathers account  from Gold Exploring companies operating in our locality for the compensation of youth and community development in our jurisdiction. I don’t know how and what I will do to invest this money somewhere in abroad, so that my father’s kindred will not take over what belongs to my father and our family, which they were planning to do without my present because I am a female as stated by our culture in the town.

Ok, so let me get this straight. Your father was paid US$7.5m a year, to be given to the people of your community. Now the people of this community, who love your father so much they made him king (it’s good to be the king), want to take all that money, all US$7.5m of it, and no wonder. If it was paid every year, and you haven’t invested it in the local community for youth and community development, no wonder they want the money. Heck, I don’t want them knocking on my door simply because you are a bitch.

Now, I urgently need your humble assistance to move this money from the bank to your bank account after which i come over to meet with you. and I strongly believe that by the grace of God, you will help me invest this money wisely.
Invest it wisely? Sure, can do, I have a friend named Andy, he likes hookers and casinos. Are you a hooker?
I am ready to pay 30% of the total amount to you if you help us in this transaction and
another 10% interest of Annual After Income to you, for handling this transaction for us,
which you will strongly have absolute control over.

Ok, so that is US$2.25m to me now, and US$750,000 a year after that, and I’ll STRONGLY have absolute control over it. Shit, screw you Andy, I’m going for the hookers and casinos myself!

If you can handle this project
sincerely and also willing to assist me in lifting this fund,Hoping to hearing from you
soonest. May God bless you as you extend your helping hand to a needy fellow

Thanks.

Miss Princess Flora Fallon.

Hey, no problems Princess Fiona, err Flora, just send me the money, and I’ll see what I can do with it. Sounds great. I just hope you haven’t randomly sent this email to anyone else, I would hate to miss out.

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6-9 Weekdays:

Breakfast with Ed Kavalee

It’s the most visual show on radio, as Ed spends three hours eating his way though enough food to feed the starving in Pakistan. Every 15 minutes we give you traffic reports for all the fast food drive thoughs across Melbourne. Don’t forget to play the secret sound, where if you can correctly guess what kind of packet Ed is opening next, you win a Flavio bag full of prizes.

From 9am:

It’s the classic Nine at 9 with your host Tony Martin.

Each day, Tony talks endlessly about 9 films of his choice. Guess the correct aspect ration, and you could win a china hutch.

11am – 1pm:

It’s the return of Get This.

It took a lot of work to get Tony and Ed back together, but we finally whittled it down to them having to play only 2 Nickelback songs an hour, so they have agreed to do the show. Of course Get This will greatly miss the services of Richard Marsland, but thanks to the Charlene 5000, we have loaded in every word Richard ever said on air (and a lot of off air content too), so now he can give us Veal Gardens updates at any moment.

1pm – 4pm:

It’s Greg Fleet with “Puns, Pants and Please can I borrow $20?”

Yes the Fleety will be crunking it up for your afternoons, if he makes it into the studio on time. Given how late Get This will be running, we doubt it will be an issue if Fleety doesn’t turn up for Monday’s show at some ungodly hour on Saturday.

4pm-6pm:

It’s Andy and Hamish…,

Yes we got the boys out of detention and into the studio. Let them laugh you all the way home with stories about how Red House forgot to put the bins out again. How the part of Bee in the school play is the best, and the riotous laughs of their serial “That’s a bit Gay!”

7pm – 8pm:

Gather the family around for another edition of “Oooh me plums!”

The children will love listening to another wireless fantasy, this week, it’s the Russian Ballet in “The dance of the ooh me plums fairy”.

8pm – Midnight:

Ok all you lovers and groovers out there, it’s time for:

“Alright, that’s good stuff” with Warrick Capper.

Don’t forget, if you want Warrick to broadcast live from your home, he will do it, in your garage, not on grass for $3,000.

From Midnight – 6am:

We haven’t forgotten our graveyard shift listeners. That’s why we have created a special show just for you:

“Stoners and Loners”

Call up and talk about anything you like, even if you have no idea what it is about. Want to tell us that Gotye is Silverchair. Want to ask how you like your eggs. Want to just cry about how little baby Suri is not on the cover of Woman’s Day any more, well this is your show.

So there’s the line up folks, we look forward to having you tune your radios in soon…, or we’ll drag you behind a ute through a knife factory.

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Now before you scream out “Bad Parent”, I haven’t seen my kids since August 2004. When I say seen, I mean spent any kind of time with them, apart from a 5 minute supervised time at the Family Court, where my ex brain washed my kids to say nothing, and to hate me as much as possible, or there would be hell to pay.

So here is what I know about my kids:

• Last time I saw them, one was 7 the other 5. They are now 13 and 11.
• The younger one has high functioning autism, but knowing my ex, it is more likely Aspergers Syndrome, but the ex doctor shopped and crapped on to get it upgraded so more benefit money could be claimed.
• My eldest is now in high school. Which school I don’t know, I think I might know, but unless I stalked the school, I really wouldn’t know. Sure I am meant to get the school reports, that’s part of the court orders, but it doesn’t happen.
• I can’t think of anything else I know about my own children.

Gee, I really make a bad parent. Must be all the drugs I do. Umm, no that’s not it, I don’t do any, can’t do any with the job I have, nor would I do any. Oh, I know, it is my criminal record. Umm, no that’s not it either. Only record I have is a couple of speeding fines (naughty me doing 103km/h in a 100km/h zone). Oh, I know, it is my violent nature. Hang on, I’m a pacifist, so no chance of me hitting any one. In fact I have been hit a few times over the years and never hit back, I’ve just laughed at the assailant.

Hang on, I’ve got it. It’s because I married a worthless piece of shit, who would rather cry poor than work an honest day in their life. Who sees children as nothing more than a way to make money. By denying any kind of access, I pay more in child support (not sure how with 9 cents left in my bank account, and massive amounts of debt hanging over my head), which increases the emotional harm to my children and to myself.

I know, the simple way is to go back to the courts. Well I can’t afford that. I can’t afford a lawyer, so I do my own legal work (against a barrister paid for by the tax payers), nor can I afford the court costs. Besides, I spent five years going through the system, and all it got me was a massive debt that is still years away from being paid off. Why would I add to that, just to have more court orders ignored.

No, the most logical way to go about this is to have open dialogue between the two parents. Something the ex refuses to do. Obviously I have an issue if I am open to communication. After all, I only disagree with my ex on one thing, my children. So come on, give me a call.

Gee, I really am vindictive and mean aren’t I.

Well ex. as much as I could have provided a lot of details about you and my children, like names and more sensitive details, you will notice I haven’t. So before you go of screaming foul to your lawyer, demanding more money from me, threatening me, oh please threaten me with court action, I would love to see you there to get smacked down by a judge again. But before that even, try doing a little bit of reading on the damage you are doing to the children. Here’s somewhere you can start, and also link into here too.

I’m sure I will hear from my kids when they turn 18, and you kick them out because they are no longer a cash cow for you, but how about growing up and realising the damage you are doing before it is too late. Get real, face up to reality, and try standing on your own two feet for once, instead of ripping off other people and sucking the well dry of government hand outs.

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Basically you take a movie title, and make it less appealing. Once I got started, I found it hard to stop. So for those of you who were unable to keep up with the action, or don’t have Twitter, is is the list of my contributions to the cause.

1. Star Tiffs.
2. The Constitutional Monarchy Strikes Back.
3. Oh look, the Jedi have shown up again.
4. The Good, the Bad, and the Slightly Wrinkled.
5. George of the Indoor Plant shop.
6. Slightly increased traffic flow Hour.
7. Charlie and the Carob Shop.
8. Priscilla, duchess of the sandbox.
9. Schindler’s Post-it note.
10. The Dot Matrix.
11. Permanent Resident Kane.
12. A Clockwork Mandarin.
13. To Ruffle The Feathers Of A Mockingbird.
14. Hummin’ In The Drizzle.
15. The Maltese Sparrow.
16. Mr Smith Goes to Wash His Hands.
17. Dial M for Maybe.
18. Dragon training for Dummies.
19. Planet of the wind up monkeys.
20. Nemo. Polo!
21. 1 Dalmatian.
22. Ben Stiller in Petting Farmlander.
23. There’s The Bus Stop Miss Daisy.
24. One Casually Glanced In The Direction Of The Cuckoo’s Nest.
25. The Hitch-hikers Guide to The Bathroom.
26. The Great Sit Down and Wait Until The War Is Over.
27. Snakes On A Paper Plane.
28. Four Registry Office Nuptials, and a Sleep Apnoea.
29. Wii Bowling for Columbine.

Out of that entire list, only “Schindler’s Post-It Note” and “The Dot Matrix” got retweeted. Personally “There’s The Bus Stop Miss Daisy” and “Wii Bowling For Columbine” were the show stoppers. Oh well, will have to try better next time.

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Part of the blog was an old “100 things about me” list, so I thought I would see how things have changed since then. This is an abridged version, cutting out all the useless crap.

1. My favourite animal is the Yabby. Yep, still is.

3. After playing (hockey) for twenty years, I managed to only score 4 times. I played a lot since then, and got my goal tally closer to twenty now.

4. I Am Not Religious. But I do call myself agnostic not an atheist these days, thanks to clarifying my beliefs.

5. I’ve been married, and wont do it again. That wont change.

7. I am a morning person, 7am is a sleep in for me. It’s more like 5am these days.

8. My clothes consist of only one pair of jeans. No jeans now.

9. I have had about 40 broken bones. Now about 50, mainly fingers and a shoulder.

10. I have Dyslexia.

11. I’m left handed, but do most things right handed, because of a broken left arm when I was young.

13. I prefer my exclusive company, to the company of others. That still remains.

15. I am a master at building things with Lego. Currently building a working microwave from it. I laughed at this line so I tweeted it.

19. I love taking photos, especially of old bridges. I’ve really gotten slack at taking photos.

20. I use to bite my own toe nails. Now I just wish I could walk with out an aid.

22. I find fluro lights annoying.

23. I survived a 100km/h bus smash. Add to that now leukaemia and a lightning strike.

25. I like musicians who can play more than one instrument. While yesterday I played both the drums and a guitar, I hardly call myself a musician.

29. I’ve been on tv heaps, and no one knows it was me. A lot of people knew it was me when the lightning stuck.

31. I have two children, and I love them dearly.

34. I am allergic to mushrooms. 35. I am allergic to Aloe Vera. Add to that Pethidine, dairy and I get a rash from gold.

36. I have never tried coffee. I tried it, I wish I hadn’t. It tastes worse than it smells.

37. I want another motorbike, I miss mine. I’ve since had another bike, and sold it. Now I want another one.

38. I believe the Herald Sun only contains two truthful things, the comics and the page numbers. Sometimes they get the page numbers wrong. I still use this line, and it still gets a laugh.

39. I collect cows.

40. I don’t wear my glasses as often as I should. Now I have to wear them all the time.

49. I clean my toilet daily, if not more than that. Ok, so now it is only daily. After seeing this, I need to go clean my toilet again.

52. Peppermint Chocolate is my favourite. These days I wish I could eat chocolate.

53. I get about 300 emails a day. Down to about 200 a day now.

59. I donate plasma. Not any more since the leukaemia. I hope to go back to it in 2012.

61. I do character voices for animations. Need work, nothing for a good year now.

62. I think that James Brashaw has a sexy voice. Some things will never change.

65. I can cut people loose at the drop of a hat. Some things will never change.

66. I can eat a whole watermelon. I’m glad some things did change.

68. I hate flying, and even going to the airport. But I am thinking of getting my pilots licence at some point now.

69. I have never seen a porno. Started to see one, turned it off. Gross!

70. I can’t remember more than three numbers in a row.

71. My favourite perfume is Clinique Simply. I wish I could find my bottle of it.

76. I was bullied at school. Now I’m bullied at work.

79. I play golf right handed, but putt left handed. These days I swing either way, but still putt left handed.

81. I actually like South Australia…from a distance. Having rode across it, I like it up close now too.

85. I would drive 300km’s to my closest friends house if she needed milk, I wouldn’t do it for family. New record is 870km just to see how someone was going because they were not answering their phone.

86. The longest shift I ever did at work was 38 hours long.

87. I love test cricket, ho-hum about one day cricket, find Twenty/20 a joke. Twenty20 is fun to play, still can’t stand watching it.

91. I plan to live to 113, but I know I will be assassinated before then. Now I will be lucky to make 40 with the run I’ve had.

95. I have a fear of cars with out number plates. Add to that a fear of cut flowers now.

99. I sleep with a pillow over my head. I sleep with six pillows now.

102. I am sarcastic. It’s not sarcasim, it’s called “not bullshitting”

103. My favourite sandwich is Ham, Pineapple, Egg, Beetroot and Vegemite. Haven’t had that in years, would still go it.

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My horns are burning red hot, but I wonder what the point is. It’s a well worn path, one that many parents would know; Dealing with the Child Support Agency.

Ever since my divorce, I’ve been paying child support, and I don’t have an issue with paying money to support my children, but how can I support them, when I can’t even support myself? Recently I spent 9 months being homeless, simply so I could get into a position of paying off debt, that would allow me to put a roof over my head, and to keep that head above water. Cows are not very good swimmers, so the sacrifice was made, as a short term loss for long term gain. It allowed me to be able to afford board (at a very generous rate) and gave me $20 a day to live on for all those little things life food, clothing, petrol. I’m sure you will all agree, hardly living it large, but at least I had the basics and it was better than the alternative.

Then last week, when I picked up my pay cheque, I noticed it was down, and I mean down by a lot. When you are living with every cent having to count, it’s not an easy blow to take. Looking though the breakdown, I saw that child support had been increased by 40%, an increase that would leave me short by $87.40 each week, provided I stopped having my car serviced, or pay rego on it. In other words, my outgoings are now greater than my income. Thanks to the CSA, my options are to run up a debt on a credit card, stop eating, or to move back to homelessness. Not really good choices to have.

So I went and saw the CSA, and was there for a couple of hours. I answered all their questions honestly, I filled in all the paperwork correctly, I did everything they asked, and still there was nothing they could do about it, because the system said I could afford it, even though the figures were quite clearly in the red, they still said I could afford it. How is that even possible?

My options now are pretty clear. I have to eat to live, I need a car to get to work to earn an income, I can use that car to live in. I tried to keep my head above water, but the CSA could see that and dumped an ocean of water on me again. Well done CSA, great work there, the system works. Once again you have managed to punish the paying parent, not just financially, but physically and mentally. How exactly does that benefit the children?

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Personal assistants to Administrators should be called “ADMINIONS”

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I received a retweeted tweet (if you are not up with the terms, don’t worry), saying to follow @andrewbolt, which is a fake account, because the real Andrew Bolt, Herald-Sun columnist and convicted defamer, was having a hissy fit about the Twitter account.  Naturally being the good little sheep I sometimes am, I followed.

Well it was laughs a minute reading the goings on. Being someone who enjoys putting my two cents worth in for a laugh, I joined in with the fun. Now to give you all a bit of a timeline, here are some of the tweets:

Liam Bantock was the first to kick off the silliness for me, with his fine tweet:

liam_b I just saw someone wearing an ABC shirt typing on their iPhone. I think they might be the fake @andrewbolt #boltgate

Which was retweeted (resent) by @andrewbolt. To which I decided to reply, as obviously now there were “sightings” of the person behind the twitter account. I wrote:

Vegetarian in a hemp t-shirt spotted in Brunswick Twittering on a public access computer. Obviously the fake @AndrewBolt

This was followed a few minutes later with a pop culture reference to one of the best films ever made:

John Cusack, Cameron Diaz and Ned Bellamy to star in new cult movie, Being Andrew Bolt. #BoltGate

I then tweeted about not enjoying the new place I had chosen for my lunch that day, as they were demanding to charge a different price to that which was advertised, but the place was new, so I gave them a break by not naming and shaming them. While I was waiting for my lunch to be cooked, I thought of a couple more Bolt related tweets I could do:

The truth is out there. @AndrewBolt is the real reason #GetThis was axed.

and

Google Earth image confirms it’s @AndrewBolt standing on grassy knoll in Dallas, 1963.

I figured Get Thisians enjoy this kind of humour, so why not cut them in on the deal, by linking in Get This with Andrew Bolt. After all, Get This listeners generally consider Guy Dobson to be a big prick for axing the show, and it is widely known that Andrew Bolt is considered a prick by many, for the views he expresses. Get This lovers would see the humorous connection between the two. I then took it to the ridiculous by claiming that not only was Andrew Bolt the much theorised second gunman involved in the assassination of the American president John F Kennedy, but the whole thing was captured as a Google Earth image. Talk about insane and impossible, but I got a giggle out of it, and I thought others would.

As I travelled home, I wondered if this whole thing might be a conspiracy, and the @andrewbolt, really was Andrew Bolt, and he was complaining about it to drum up a news story. I thought it would be funny if it was investigated and found out to be true, how much of a field day that would be for social media everywhere. Which was tweeted as such:

I’m going to love it if @andrewbolt is proven to be Andrew Bolt faking being Andrew Bolt as a way to try & boost his ego/profile. #BoltGate

Obviously with a 140 character limit, you can’t write too many details or much explanation.

So when I get home tonight, the first hour or so is filled with chatting on the net to people from my footy club, about my knee injury, new jumper designs, and upcoming dinner nights. Eventually I get around to checking my emails, and low and behold, I find that Andrew Bolt (the real one, not the Twitter one that is a fake one, but this time the real Andrew Bolt) is now following me on twitter.

Well Andrew, just to let you know, and so the rest of the world knows, I am not in any way @andrewbolt on twitter. For the record, I can’t remember the last time I purchased a copy of the Herald-Sun, in fact I think it would go back to when I became too old to be a Sunbeamer. I have long held the view that the Herald-Sun only gets two things right, the Comics and the page numbering, and quite often the page numbering is wrong. Just so it is known, I am also not a reader of the Age, as I find that to just be a larger print format of the Herald-Sun these days. I greatly limit my commercial news exposure, as there is a heavy bias towards views I do not agree with, and a clear choice to only “report” “news” that will ensure maximum readership/revenue. When it comes to your column, the few times I have chosen to read it I have found it to be extremely bias, outrageous in the views expressed, and one that leaves a clearly noticeable tingling sensation in the back of my mouth from the reflux it has caused.

So I would just like it to be known that I am nothing more than an occasional blogger, who likes to tweet the unusual thoughts that flow though my brain. I have no interest, nor the time to spend my time mocking you, when it is clear by the media exposure you get, you do a good enough job of that yourself, and good luck to you, as it is clearly earning you an income that suits your means. As an example of how little I know about you, it wasn’t until I read your bio that I knew you were on MTR (Massively Trashy Right wing) radio.

So good luck finding out who it is behind the @andrewbolt account, for they have made you out to be a tool, but your actions in trying to be some big knob head who thinks he can control the world just as Judge Roy Bean knew how too, well you are just proving what a tool you are.

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I grew up in Footscay, and it was always a great place. So vibrant, full of energy, a meeting place for locals, that had everything you could need. Now the place is becoming a seedy ghost town, and is one stop off becoming a no go zone. So why the harsh words? Well for the reason to that, we have to go back a few years.

Footscray use to have a Coles New World. For those of you old enough to remember a world with out personal computers, or microwave popcorn, CNW, was like no other store. You name it, you could get it there, as well a yummy meal, with free jelly, for under a dollar. It was like an ikea store, except it had stuff you wanted, and you didn’t need to work your way through a maze, defeat the dragon and save the princess before you left. But then Coles New World closed.

The reason for the closure was to build a new store, a bigger store, one that was a Kmart, a Coles, speciality shops, corporate area, and multilevel car park. Across the road, on the former CNW site, City West was created, more shopping space, filled with absolutely nothing. To this day many of the shops have never been leased, but I am getting ahead of myself.

Naturally while all of this building was going on, people had to shop somewhere, and that somewhere was the shiny new, big, and wonderful experience that was Highpoint West Shopping Centre. From then on, people stayed away in droves. Footscray started to become a ghost town, shops were closing, because with no one shopping, shop owners couldn’t afford the rent, and things kept spiralling down.

Around this time, many new migrants, mainly from Vietnam began setting up shop in Footscray, and once again, the place became vibrant. While the socio-economic structure had changed, there was at least business being done in Footscray. Then the council merge happened.

Footscray as a municipality disappeared, and we were presented with new boundaries that formed the City of Maribrynong. In this new city, Highpoint City Shopping Centre (As it was now known) became part of the new city, and with it, the rates income came to council. With the wonderful new big cash cow in the city, what need was there to keep Footscray alive? After all, we were in a new era, the City of Maribrynong era, Footscray was no longer the city, nor the football team (They became the Western Bulldogs), it was time to move forward, Maribrynong forever!

So for a while, Footscray suffered a slow painful death. At the time, many new migrants were attracted to the area, and Footscray became vibrant again, but in a different way to the past. It became a hussling and bustling hub for a community, but it’s diversification also attracted the scum of society and the junkies moved in. Footscray became a place you only went to if you knew you could hold onto your purse with all might, and don’t go there at night.

Then as things change (yet again), there was an increase of student activity in the area, as Footscray still served as a public transport hub. With new housing going up in the Maribyrong area, the tram connection to Footscray station saw more people in Footscray. While they were not attracted to the place as such, they had to go through there. So the council made an effort to tart the place up a bit, and it worked. People started coming back to Footscray, and the vibe of the place changed again. Now there was an issue of too many people in Footscray, so step up the council policing of everything under the sun, to the point where it has become a hell hole again.

So now we get to Forges of Footscray. The store that has seen more changes in Footscray than hot meals it has served. Forges is Footscray, and is the place that has kept the hub going for many years. But for no more. The large expanse of land the Forges store(s) are on has been sold off, and no doubt will become high rise housing. With the closing of Forges, I no longer have a need to go to Footscray, and as such, will be one of many that will stay away.

Actually I tell a lie there, I will get off the train occasionally to get a doughnut from the caravan at the station, but with the new regional train line development taking place at Footscray station, I wonder for how much longer this will last.

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